


Memories

by Night_Owl_At_Flight



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cutting, Pain, Suicide Attempt, Trying to kill one's self with a gun, memory confusion, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 06:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4091113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Night_Owl_At_Flight/pseuds/Night_Owl_At_Flight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wash wondered when he had become a monster. He wondered when he stooped down so low to kill his used-to-be friends with a bullet to the face. He also wondered when and why he blew up the bodies of his past comrades without so much of a flinch. He wondered when the not flinching thing started.</p><p>Maybe it was when Epsilon went insane in his mind… Maybe that was when it happened. Maybe that was when he had lost it all, when that happened. Maybe.</p><p>Or maybe he was always messed up. Maybe he was just naturally like that; a monster who killed many with his bare hand and with a blazing gun. Maybe it was just always him the way that he naturally was.</p><p>Or who knew? Nobody else would know, and neither would he, not with the gun resting against his temple, not with the blood flowing from his wrists.<br/>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</p><p>Basically a story where Wash is getting his memories confused and he keeps on forgetting who he is and the memories are confusing him. He then tries to kill himself. (Another chapter may be added, I don't know yet.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: ATTEMPTED SUICIDE ATTEMPT, BLOOD, CUTTING, YOU KNOW, ALL OF THAT STUFF IN THE ADDITIONAL TAGS ARE INCLUDED IN THIS SHORT STORY. I DO NOT SUGGEST READING THIS IF YOU HAVE HAD OR ARE CURRENTLY HAVING THOUGHTS OF DEATH. IF YOU ARE, PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED! <3

Wash wondered when he had become a monster. He wondered when he stooped down so low to kill his used-to-be friends with a bullet to the face. He also wondered when and why he blew up the bodies of his past comrades without so much of a flinch. He wondered when the not flinching thing started. 

Maybe it was when Epsilon went insane in his mind… Maybe that was when it happened. Maybe that was when he had lost it all, when that happened. Maybe.

Or maybe he was always messed up. Maybe he was just naturally like that; a monster who killed many with his bare hand and with a blazing gun. Maybe it was just always him the way that he naturally was.

Or who knew? Nobody else would know, and neither would he, not with the gun resting against his temple, not with the blood flowing from his wrists.

The man with grey and yellow armor was currently leaning against the bathroom wall, armorless, staring at the blood pooling around him with blurry vision. The hand holding his gun was shaking, his finger against the trigger twitching, wanting to blow his brains out already. Something was holding him back- Was seeing the blood making him stop? Maybe it was the fact that, this time, it was his blood and not one of his friends’. He had saw North in a pool of blood- The same went with York- Ditto that for South, too. Who else did he see die? He saw Maine die- Oh god, Connie… The last time that he had a conversation with Connie was a week or two before his implantation- Oh god, Allison-

“I don’t know Allison,” The man told himself, “I never knew her- I never met her. I was never in a relationship with her- I’m not her husband- We never met- We never met-”

Wash curled up into a little ball- God he felt sick, he felt as if he was going to die and that he was going to- The man quickly launched himself over to the toilet, throwing up the little food that he had eaten just a few hours ago. It burned as he came up and as it came out. The burning sensation made his eyes water up and he shut them quickly. When he was sure that no more would come up, he stood up on shaky legs, turned on the faucet, took some water in his mouth, swished it around, and then spat it back out. He coughed, hating the way his throat was burning, and sat against the wall again. Wash shut his eyes tightly, taking in deep breaths to get his beating-all-too-quickly heart to calm down and to make the feeling of his head about to explode go away. The man took in a deep breath and ran a hand through his sweat dampened hair.

He suddenly heard knocking on the door, “Wash? You alright man?”

“J-just fine, Tucker.” The man winced at the feeling of his throat burning. He hoped that the other didn’t hear him throw up-

“Sounded like you threw up man. You alright?” –Well fuck.

“I did. Food didn’t sit well with me… It’s alright..” Wash slumped back down and glanced at the gun. God, he would have to be quick.

“Dude, your speech is slurring up- Are you drunk?”

“No Tucker, I don’t drink, you know that.” Wash realized that he speech was getting messed up and cleared his throat, “Now g-go away..”

“You don’t sound right..”

“Oh! Is Mr. Washingtub in the bathroom? I need to go use the toilet!” Caboose’s voice suddenly came out of nowhere.

Wash felt anger flare up in his chest and he snapped, “I’m Dr. Le-” The man suddenly felt he nausea get over him and he gagged. He made a leap at the toilet again and threw up whatever was left in his stomach.

_‘I’m David my name is David Washington- I am a soldier I am a Blue I am here with Carolina and the others and I am observing their work out in the field and taking notes on their strengths and weaknesses- I am to group them up and I am to put them in a list- Carolina goes first of course and who will be the second one- York will- York- York- York- York’s my friend- He met me here on my first day and tried to prank me I remember he had seemed like a pain in my ass but he was alright he was cool but now he’s dead and there’s nothing left of him except for his lighter, his dog tag, and the memories-’_

It took him a moment to realize that he was lying on the ground, gasping for air as Tucker pounded on the door and as Caboose was asking if he was okay. Wash turned over on his back and stared up at the ceiling.

_‘This reminds me of the time when I was a little kid and I had gotten sick. I got so sick that I ended up passing out in the bathroom- Haha I remember that, I was out for like an hour or something because mom and dad weren’t home to wake me up- I woke up a little while after and stared at the ceiling- That wasn’t me.’_

Wash groaned and rolled over to his side. He pushed himself up and used the wall to lean against. He glanced down at his bleeding wrists and looked at the blood under him. His hands were shaking as he ran one of them through his hair.

“Wash open the door!” Tucker shouted, “We’re gonna- Caboose, go get Carolina!”

“Okay!”

“NO! Don’t get her!” Wash shouted with a weak voice. He scrambled for the gun on the floor and grabbed it with shaking hands. It slipped out of his hands and clattered to the ground, making a loud noise.

“CAROLINA HE HAS A GUN!”

Tucker’s scream made the man drop the gun again- Damn the shaking of his hands- and he grabbed it again. He let out a sob as he put his finger on the trigger- This was it- It was finally going to be over- That's all he wanted- He just wanted silence and sleep and for this to _just be over-_

The door suddenly rattled and he heard the shouts of his leader- His daughter- His boss screaming for him to open the door. Wash’s breathing quickened and held the gun in one hand and reached for the knife with the other. He used the blade to cut into the flesh of his leg, biting his lip as the red liquid seeped out from the wounds. If they were to come in and stop him from shooting himself, then maybe they wouldn’t have time to stop the bleeding-

“WASH! OPEN THE DOOR!” Carolina’s strong voice rang through the door, making Wash stop his cutting for a moment before he continued, “OPEN IT RIGHT NOW!”

“No, Carolina,” Wash’s shaky, pain filled voice spoke out as he placed the gun up to his temple, “I won’t… I’ve had enough-”

The door slammed open, and being startled by the sudden noise, Wash fired the gun, missing his head and hitting one of the light bulbs in the room, shattering it. Carolina tackled into Wash, knocking the gun out of his hands and shoving away the knife. The soldier fought weakly against her, trying to slap her with his hands but failed in stopping her. Once she had him pinned to the ground, her body on top of his and her hand holding his head to the side, Carolina glared at him.

“What the HELL do you think that you’re doing Wash?” She seethed before turning to Tucker, “Go get a doctor, NOW!”

Wash stared at her from the corner of his wide eye, rasping for air. A new voice filled the air, “Carolina, get off of him- He’s not doing so good.”

The sight of Epsilon made Wash suddenly struggle against Carolina, and Wash shouted, “GET HIM AWAY GET EPSILON AWAY!”

“What the hell dud-”

“GET AWAY ALLI-”

“Epsilon, go away.” Carolina ordered, and a moment later, the blue blur was gone. Once he was, Wash calmed down and gasped for air. Carolina adjusted her weight so that it wasn’t on as much of his body, allowing him to breathe a little easier, “You okay now, Wash?” She spoke softly, as if to not set him off again.

“G-God, you’re so much like Allison..” The soldier whispered, turning his head more to look at her, “You’re so much like her- You look a lot like her too- God she would’ve been proud of you Carolina she really would’ve- She would've been so damn proud- Oh god if only Allison didn’t die- But I could bring her back for us- I could just you wait- I’ll keep working on it I swear I-I never even met Allison oh god Carolina help me please I can’t- My mind it’s- Jesus Christ I need help-”

Carolina’s jaw clenched and she said, “Oh god Wash I didn’t know you were this bad…” The older woman got off of Wash and helped him lie down. She pressed down on his wounds, trying to stop the blood flow. It was when a slightly bloody hair went up and stroked his cheek that Wash realized that he was crying. God, he was crying- This reminded him of that one night when he was nine- He had been a foolish boy and went into the woods near his house because he swore that he could survive if he was to be abandoned in them. For a day and a half he had been lost- No that wasn’t him- Wait, it was, he still had the scar on his cheek from when he tripped and a rock had cut into his flesh.

“I keep forgetting-” He choked out, “I keep forgetting who I am- Am I David Washington or am I Leonard Church? I don’t know- God my mind-”

“Your name is David Washington, and you’re the leader of Blue Team.” Carolina spoke firmly, “You’re helping the people of Chorus; you’re training them and making them be better soldiers so that they could defend their home from Felix and Locus and the men that they have. You had a skateboard back on the Mother of Invention that you would ride around in the training room when no one was around. FILSS knew but she didn’t tell anyone, and both North and I knew because we would see you on some nights. You knew how to do so many tricks that would impress us, and one day, when we asked you to show us a few, you said that you didn’t have a skateboard. Remember that, Wash?

“And then there was that one time that, it was you and me on shore leave to pick up some needed supplies. I ended up losing you and you winded up back at the meeting point with three kittens with you. One of them was orange with a little white that you named Sasha, one looked like a little tabby that you named Collin, and the other was black with little white paws that you named Oreo- I remember that one kept on batting at the straps of your hoodie. You convinced me to bring them with you, and a week of having them on board, the Director found out and he had us bring them back to Earth. I remember you being so heartbroken. North, South, and York, on their shore leave, came back with a stuffed animal that was a black and white cat. Remember that? You nearly erupted into tears when you saw that cat because it looked so much like Oreo. Remember?”

Wash’s face was blank and he blinked once, then twice, before he said, “I was unaware of Agent Washington having a skateboard.”

Those words made her heart sink, and a moment later, when Wash's eyes rolled behind his head and when he slumped to the left, Carolina felt herself panic.

“Wash?” She grabbed a hold of his shoulder and shook him slightly. His head lolled to the side with the movement and she swallowed, “Wash? Washington- H-hey, David, come on kid, you’re gonna be just fine. Wake up, okay? David? David!”

Wash’s eyes didn’t opened, and when Emily Grey came and whisked him away, Carolina feared that they never would again.

**Author's Note:**

> .. I wrote this earlier today because I was angry and sad and I wanted to die. This helped me not do it. Sometimes writing stuff out helps, so if anyone out there is stressed out, maybe try writing or drawing. (Drawing didn't work for me, though, so it varies between people, I guess..) If writing or drawing isn't you thing, then maybe find something that you enjoy and use that to help you all out. :3 .. Then again, I'm not exactly one to talk.. Do your own thing folks, if you'd like, but please be safe!
> 
> <3 you!
> 
> (Please don't hate me for writing and posting this... Another chapter may be posted, I'm not too sure yet.. Maybe I'll just leave you guys to guess what happens next...)


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